You, dear man that I love,
Have been lingering on my mind today
I have been where you are
I still remember so well
The numbness
The second guessing
The panic, wondering what I have done
Can I take it back?
Knowing I couldn’t
Nor would I want to
But the fear and worry still clung to me
Like a small child to its momma’s legs
Being thrust into the new world,
Not speaking the language
Not knowing the customs of the land
And it felt lonely, cold, oppressive
I lay in my bed some nights
Curled with my pillow
Not able to shut off my racing thoughts
Listening to my heart beat
As I played out scene after scene
What was and what might be
As if I had control over either
I cried for what I’d lost
That dream of the life that
Was never possible, never real
I raged at the unfairness
Quietly inside, to myself
Anger swelled at my foolishness
For not seeing and knowing
What I could have never known
I blamed myself for the pain
My own and my children’s
For I brought this on by my own choice
I chose him to marry
To have babies with
To build a life with
I chose this person, so broken
So incapable of true love
I alone made that choice
Was so duped into believing
The sweet words and the illusion
So carefully crafted by him
Not out of love, never
But out of a desire to possess
To control, to belittle, to break
He was a different breed
Not wanting to be filled up with love
But to be filled with power
And admiration
At all costs
Regardless of casualties
Even knowing all of this
Having lived it for so long
It was so hard to let go
To admit that it was not what I had thought
What I had hoped for so long
That it was unfixable
He was unfixable
And that we had to pay the price.
So, my love, you are on my mind
As you go forth to fight
Your own battle on this front
I wish you peace
As you begin this journey
Cautiously finding your way
To the new life that awaits
As much as I wish I could
Wrap you up safely
Protect you from the hurt,
The anger, the confusion
I know that is not my place.
This is yours and yours alone
To face and to conquer
Just remember
You are finally fighting
For something worthwhile
For yourself and a better life
To finally be able to be you
Accepted as you are
No apologies needed
To be able to hold your head up
And be proud of the man you are
Without being belittled
And shamed in front of your
Sweet children
To be the light, the guide
To show them the way
To live differently, too
Each one of you deserves that
You are giving them a great gift
Even if it doesn’t feel that way
At this very moment
The gift of expecting to be treated well
Of knowing that is possible
To give love freely
And have it returned without
A price or penalty
You, my love, are on your way
Know that I will be here
Standing in the shadows
Watching and cheering you on
Proud of who you are
The character you possess
Having seen the abundant
Kindness and love in your heart
It is your battle, my love
But you will not be alone
I will be here
Waiting so patiently
My heart overflowing
Waiting to soothe you
When you are in need
To offer comfort and solace
To wrap you in my arms
And hold you so tight
And feel your heart beating
Unsure of what to offer,
I give you the promise of my love
Through this and always.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Waiting. Waiting. And waiting some more.
I am having a hard time today for no apparent reason. I think it is such a combination of things. Kid burnout since we switched weekends. Trying to get all of the Halloween stuff ready. 4 days off of school for fall break. This should be the weekend for my guy to visit, but we were both too busy and pushed it back a week. All of it combined is leaving me feeling kind of raw and vulnerable. Not exactly my favorite feelings.
I think this is where that strange combo of Aspieness and family dysfunction come into play. I try very, very hard to not jump to conclusions and wait until I have all of the data before figuring situations out. This can be both good and bad. Good in the sense that I will rarely, if ever, get angry for no darn good reason. It's hard to just fly off the handle when you have trained yourself to stop, think, think some more, then decide if the emotion is valid. Takes some of the edge off by the time that decision is made. If I do decide I have a valid reason to be angry, or even perturbed, I am not going to flip out.
On the bad side, it makes it hard for me to discern between when I am being fair, patient, and understanding versus being a doormat. There is a line between the two, but it is pretty darn blurry to me at times. Having been a doormat on several occasions, to the point I probably could have made a wonderful career of it if that were an option, I am not too keen on being one again. I have made a concerted effort to make my expectations and boundaries known. I have worked very hard at being able to say "No" when needed and to put my interests at the front of the line most of the time. But sometimes....damn, it's just hard to figure out! Where is that line? When does it go from being compassionate and understanding to being walked on and taken for granted? It is difficult to determine, especially without daily personal contact, if I am being overly sensitive and not reading things right (like I was told most of my life) or if I am reading it right and I need to address the issue. So what ends up happening is I go around and around in circles, trying to figure it out, trying to be fair yet not dismiss my feelings.
I am not good at figuring this stuff out. Mixed messages, whether intentional or not, stress me out. I would much rather have it laid out plainly. I keep going through every reason why it has nothing to do with me, but with the crazy week and situations. I do understand that. I am not that demanding, really. But if I get a text saying to expect a call in 20 minutes, I think it should happen somewhere near 20 minutes. Not 90 minutes or so later. If I get a text asking how I am and I respond with a similar question, I would think there would be a reply. Yet here it is, 3 hours later....nada. There may well be a good reason. But, honestly, right now, I don't even know if I am in the mood to hear it. This has a cumulative effect. Once in a while, I understand things come up. But it adds up and compounds.
Waiting is hard. Long distance is hard. I think both take an extra effort to maintain that closeness when we are apart. I have no doubt of my feelings and am still sitting here, waiting, for the future to unfold. I look forward to that day when it can finally happen. But the waiting is gnawing at me. The uncertainty of it all. I have been waiting 18 months on Thursday and still no real end in sight. My biggest fear is that I will sit here and wait, patiently, only to have it be for nothing. That there will be a change of heart, a change in plans, or that the resentment over waiting endlessly will finally catch up. I need that contact and reassurance to remind me of WHY I am still waiting and that it's all worth it in the end. I need that visit next week to get here to get me through until the next one.
Sigh. I hate trying to make sense of all of this. I am going to try my best to put it in the back of my mind, finish my Halloween costume, and have fun with my friends tonight. I am not going to stop living life and sit and mope. My allotted moping time is up now. Back to work.
I think this is where that strange combo of Aspieness and family dysfunction come into play. I try very, very hard to not jump to conclusions and wait until I have all of the data before figuring situations out. This can be both good and bad. Good in the sense that I will rarely, if ever, get angry for no darn good reason. It's hard to just fly off the handle when you have trained yourself to stop, think, think some more, then decide if the emotion is valid. Takes some of the edge off by the time that decision is made. If I do decide I have a valid reason to be angry, or even perturbed, I am not going to flip out.
On the bad side, it makes it hard for me to discern between when I am being fair, patient, and understanding versus being a doormat. There is a line between the two, but it is pretty darn blurry to me at times. Having been a doormat on several occasions, to the point I probably could have made a wonderful career of it if that were an option, I am not too keen on being one again. I have made a concerted effort to make my expectations and boundaries known. I have worked very hard at being able to say "No" when needed and to put my interests at the front of the line most of the time. But sometimes....damn, it's just hard to figure out! Where is that line? When does it go from being compassionate and understanding to being walked on and taken for granted? It is difficult to determine, especially without daily personal contact, if I am being overly sensitive and not reading things right (like I was told most of my life) or if I am reading it right and I need to address the issue. So what ends up happening is I go around and around in circles, trying to figure it out, trying to be fair yet not dismiss my feelings.
I am not good at figuring this stuff out. Mixed messages, whether intentional or not, stress me out. I would much rather have it laid out plainly. I keep going through every reason why it has nothing to do with me, but with the crazy week and situations. I do understand that. I am not that demanding, really. But if I get a text saying to expect a call in 20 minutes, I think it should happen somewhere near 20 minutes. Not 90 minutes or so later. If I get a text asking how I am and I respond with a similar question, I would think there would be a reply. Yet here it is, 3 hours later....nada. There may well be a good reason. But, honestly, right now, I don't even know if I am in the mood to hear it. This has a cumulative effect. Once in a while, I understand things come up. But it adds up and compounds.
Waiting is hard. Long distance is hard. I think both take an extra effort to maintain that closeness when we are apart. I have no doubt of my feelings and am still sitting here, waiting, for the future to unfold. I look forward to that day when it can finally happen. But the waiting is gnawing at me. The uncertainty of it all. I have been waiting 18 months on Thursday and still no real end in sight. My biggest fear is that I will sit here and wait, patiently, only to have it be for nothing. That there will be a change of heart, a change in plans, or that the resentment over waiting endlessly will finally catch up. I need that contact and reassurance to remind me of WHY I am still waiting and that it's all worth it in the end. I need that visit next week to get here to get me through until the next one.
Sigh. I hate trying to make sense of all of this. I am going to try my best to put it in the back of my mind, finish my Halloween costume, and have fun with my friends tonight. I am not going to stop living life and sit and mope. My allotted moping time is up now. Back to work.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Visit aftermath
They left early. They had planned to leave on Sunday morning, but decided to head back Saturday night instead because they said they hadn't slept well. I offered no resistance.
Since then, I have been pondering. A favorite pastime of mine. Trying to figure out why they have this effect on me at this age and with this much distance. After all of the things I have managed to work on regarding myself over the past decade or so, maybe this is the final piece.
I came to some conclusions after stepping back and trying to see things from a more neutral, logical point of view. Not so much about grandma. I think she is controlling and a little over the top, occasionally verging on inappropriate. But even with all of her toughness, there is still a very nurturing side to her. She has had a tough life and I think that has shaped who she is.
As for mom...whole different story. Growing up, she did all the right things. She made sure we were dressed nice, got fed, read us bedtime stories, and was even room mother in the early grades. But there was also the ever-present knowledge that she really never wanted kids. My sister and I were both "accidents", something we learned pretty early on. She was never what I would consider to be abusive or neglectful, but she was very emotionally absent. I don't think my sister and I were meant to be loved, but to be shown off as pretty little things she made.
Knowing what I know now, what I have learned over the past few years, she does have some pretty darn narcisistic traits. Appearances mattered way too much. She acted proud of my acedemic achievements and activities, yet never bothered to attend any of them. And she made it clear that she would have preferred that I be homecoming or prom queen than on the honor roll or have the lead in the play. There are so many situations where my sister and I were irrelevent. It was all about how we appeared so as to make her look good. I sat and made a list, off the top of my head, of the strange things that had happened along the way with her. It was glaringly obvious that my dreams and feelings were of no matter to her. Hers were what were important. It was a perfect environment for me to learn very well how to pick my ex.
This was a huge revelation to me. And I feel a big sense of relief at having finally pieced it all together. Next to my ex, she seems pretty tame. But she still managed to do damage. All of the times when I have felt less of a person around her were not about me. It was about her inability to accept me as my own person. It somehow makes it easier to deal with now. I don't think she is able to look beyond herself and understand that other people's needs may be very different from her wants.
She can be fun, especially if she is here alone. I am not saying she's all bad. But is she who I waould call in a time of crisis? Not a chance. I know that she wouldn't be there for me. She has shown that many times. Will we ever be close? I don't think so. But I can tolerate her as she is on occassion. I am very thankful for the distance, geographically. It makes being low contact much easier and more acceptable.
So I will keep on living my life, the one I have created on my own. And I will be proud of the person I am. It may not be who she wants me to be or even thinks that I am, but that's fine. I finally am starting to feel freed from the criticsm now that I can see where and why it happens. As hard as it was to realize this, it needed to happen for me to deal with it. And I am thankful
Since then, I have been pondering. A favorite pastime of mine. Trying to figure out why they have this effect on me at this age and with this much distance. After all of the things I have managed to work on regarding myself over the past decade or so, maybe this is the final piece.
I came to some conclusions after stepping back and trying to see things from a more neutral, logical point of view. Not so much about grandma. I think she is controlling and a little over the top, occasionally verging on inappropriate. But even with all of her toughness, there is still a very nurturing side to her. She has had a tough life and I think that has shaped who she is.
As for mom...whole different story. Growing up, she did all the right things. She made sure we were dressed nice, got fed, read us bedtime stories, and was even room mother in the early grades. But there was also the ever-present knowledge that she really never wanted kids. My sister and I were both "accidents", something we learned pretty early on. She was never what I would consider to be abusive or neglectful, but she was very emotionally absent. I don't think my sister and I were meant to be loved, but to be shown off as pretty little things she made.
Knowing what I know now, what I have learned over the past few years, she does have some pretty darn narcisistic traits. Appearances mattered way too much. She acted proud of my acedemic achievements and activities, yet never bothered to attend any of them. And she made it clear that she would have preferred that I be homecoming or prom queen than on the honor roll or have the lead in the play. There are so many situations where my sister and I were irrelevent. It was all about how we appeared so as to make her look good. I sat and made a list, off the top of my head, of the strange things that had happened along the way with her. It was glaringly obvious that my dreams and feelings were of no matter to her. Hers were what were important. It was a perfect environment for me to learn very well how to pick my ex.
This was a huge revelation to me. And I feel a big sense of relief at having finally pieced it all together. Next to my ex, she seems pretty tame. But she still managed to do damage. All of the times when I have felt less of a person around her were not about me. It was about her inability to accept me as my own person. It somehow makes it easier to deal with now. I don't think she is able to look beyond herself and understand that other people's needs may be very different from her wants.
She can be fun, especially if she is here alone. I am not saying she's all bad. But is she who I waould call in a time of crisis? Not a chance. I know that she wouldn't be there for me. She has shown that many times. Will we ever be close? I don't think so. But I can tolerate her as she is on occassion. I am very thankful for the distance, geographically. It makes being low contact much easier and more acceptable.
So I will keep on living my life, the one I have created on my own. And I will be proud of the person I am. It may not be who she wants me to be or even thinks that I am, but that's fine. I finally am starting to feel freed from the criticsm now that I can see where and why it happens. As hard as it was to realize this, it needed to happen for me to deal with it. And I am thankful
Friday, October 22, 2010
Family descending
I am sitting here waiting for my family of origin to arrive from out of state. Trying to remain peaceful and hope for the best. The house is clean, the kids are entertaining themselves, I have two loads of laundry drying in the sun, and I have a few precious moments to myself before the craziness begins.
I love my family because they are mine. They are what I know. What I came from. Grandma just turned 80 and is still as fiesty and demanding as ever. Mom just turned 61 and still thinks she's at least 20 years younger. My neice is coming along. So is my great aunt and her 4 year old granddaughter that I have never met.
They always travel in a pack and bring far too much stuff for a weekend visit.
I have sat here today, trying to figure out why I always get so stressed out before they come and while they are here. They want so badly to put me back into the familiar role that I used to be in when I was still there. But I am no longer a child and, in all honesty, we really don't have common views on much of anything anymore. They could much easier be someone else's family. But they are mine.
I moved away for the first time just after turning 18 and got my first small taste of freedom. There were a few years of being here and there, but that was always my homebase. I left for good at 24, a whole 18 years ago, and have not called it my home since. Don't get me wrong. They weren't mean to me and I wasn't running from them. Not at all. It was more that I was running towards me.
So I am bucking up, ready to stand my ground on my beliefs. I am going to try very hard not to take any of the criticism personally. I am happy in who I am, even if it's different from who they need me to be. And if all else fails...I have beer.
I love my family because they are mine. They are what I know. What I came from. Grandma just turned 80 and is still as fiesty and demanding as ever. Mom just turned 61 and still thinks she's at least 20 years younger. My neice is coming along. So is my great aunt and her 4 year old granddaughter that I have never met.
They always travel in a pack and bring far too much stuff for a weekend visit.
I have sat here today, trying to figure out why I always get so stressed out before they come and while they are here. They want so badly to put me back into the familiar role that I used to be in when I was still there. But I am no longer a child and, in all honesty, we really don't have common views on much of anything anymore. They could much easier be someone else's family. But they are mine.
I moved away for the first time just after turning 18 and got my first small taste of freedom. There were a few years of being here and there, but that was always my homebase. I left for good at 24, a whole 18 years ago, and have not called it my home since. Don't get me wrong. They weren't mean to me and I wasn't running from them. Not at all. It was more that I was running towards me.
So I am bucking up, ready to stand my ground on my beliefs. I am going to try very hard not to take any of the criticism personally. I am happy in who I am, even if it's different from who they need me to be. And if all else fails...I have beer.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Quietly missing
I sit here, missing you. Not in a desperate, needy way. It is much more quiet and peaceful. My daily life goes on, whirling around me, so much to do. Yet you are always there, in the back of my mind, bringing me comfort and encouragement. I simply miss your presence. The sound of your voice, your lingering scent, the feel of your hand on my back as you pass by me in the kitchen. Those small, mundane things that bring me such comfort. And the kisses. Let’s not underestimate the power they hold.
Today, I was stuck at a stoplight, going through my list of things to do in my head, like I always do. But I started drifting midway though and could only think of your eyes…how they look at me with such love, how they crinkle when you are laughing, how they light up when you talk about politics. Thankfully, I was able to notice when the light turned green and continue on my way without a serenade of honking horns behind me.
All throughout the day, every single day, there are those moments. Small little breaks in my daily life where you are suddenly at the forefront of my mind. When, even though you aren’t here, I can feel you around me. And I revel in it.
Today I had a morbid thought. What if I something happened and I needed you here? Not something minor. I can handle all of that. But what if I really, really needed you? I had to sit and think about that for a few moments, trying to figure out where that came from and what I would do. I took time to breathe, relax, and really think about that question.
I think it was born of the situation, which is not going to be changing anytime soon as far as I can realistically tell. Then I thought, in my rebellious mode, “I don’t need anyone anyway!” And, honestly, I know that if that moment came, I would get through it. I have gotten through plenty already on my own and came out just fine. So, in reality, what I would do is what I have always done. Put one foot in front of the other and just face whatever the problem could be. I wouldn’t become a shriveled, helpless mess of a woman. I would cope.
But what I realized is that while I made not NEED you, I do want you. If something did happen, I want to know that you are there to hold me and give me comfort and love me. Having spent far too many years weathering almost every difficult moment alone, I don’t want to do it by myself anymore. I want to be able to support each other during those times and to celebrate all of the joyous moments. Together. As partners in life. To hold hands and smile in amazement at all the great things that happen in everyday life. To laugh at the silliness and to offer solace during the sad moments.
I look forward to the life that we have waiting for us. And I love the one we have now, even if it’s not exactly ideal. I have faith in us. That we can do this. I love you more than I ever knew was possible.
Today, I was stuck at a stoplight, going through my list of things to do in my head, like I always do. But I started drifting midway though and could only think of your eyes…how they look at me with such love, how they crinkle when you are laughing, how they light up when you talk about politics. Thankfully, I was able to notice when the light turned green and continue on my way without a serenade of honking horns behind me.
All throughout the day, every single day, there are those moments. Small little breaks in my daily life where you are suddenly at the forefront of my mind. When, even though you aren’t here, I can feel you around me. And I revel in it.
Today I had a morbid thought. What if I something happened and I needed you here? Not something minor. I can handle all of that. But what if I really, really needed you? I had to sit and think about that for a few moments, trying to figure out where that came from and what I would do. I took time to breathe, relax, and really think about that question.
I think it was born of the situation, which is not going to be changing anytime soon as far as I can realistically tell. Then I thought, in my rebellious mode, “I don’t need anyone anyway!” And, honestly, I know that if that moment came, I would get through it. I have gotten through plenty already on my own and came out just fine. So, in reality, what I would do is what I have always done. Put one foot in front of the other and just face whatever the problem could be. I wouldn’t become a shriveled, helpless mess of a woman. I would cope.
But what I realized is that while I made not NEED you, I do want you. If something did happen, I want to know that you are there to hold me and give me comfort and love me. Having spent far too many years weathering almost every difficult moment alone, I don’t want to do it by myself anymore. I want to be able to support each other during those times and to celebrate all of the joyous moments. Together. As partners in life. To hold hands and smile in amazement at all the great things that happen in everyday life. To laugh at the silliness and to offer solace during the sad moments.
I look forward to the life that we have waiting for us. And I love the one we have now, even if it’s not exactly ideal. I have faith in us. That we can do this. I love you more than I ever knew was possible.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Fathers, dads, daddies, and others
I am missing my kids today, but they will be back here tomorrow. They are with their dad and I hope they are having a good time. Kids should be with their dads on Father's Day. At least unless there is a darn good reason.
All of this has got me thinking about dads. My own, the men I know, all of their stories. What an important job it is to be a dad and how so many men may never understand the impact they can have on a child's life. And how many others so desperately want to be a part of their child's life, only to be denied that opportunity by a vindictive ex. It's all pretty damn sad.
To my own dad...I wish you could have been the dad I dreamed of having. The one who valued his children and wanted to be a part of their lives. Who would have protected us from the abuse at our step-mother's hands, instead of looking away. Even today, as much as I hate to admit it, there is part of me that still wishes we could be in contact. But I know the reality of the situation. You and the step-mom are a package deal. So I will have to bow out. I will never subject myself and my kids to her again. I still miss you, on some level. But it's taken years for me to heal from all of the damage.
To my grandpa...I still miss you so, so very much. You were such a wonderful man and I am so thankful that you stepped in when my dad wasn't able to do what a dad should do. It's been 16 and a half years since you passed, but you will never be forgetten for all of the love and kindness you brought to my life. I will always love you.
To Ed...What a strange situation. You dated my mom for quite some time, were there through all of the hard teenage stuff, and never had any kids of your own. Even after you and mom were no longer dating, you remained such a constant in the lives of me and my sister. You are a wonderful example of what a real man is and I am so glad to have you in my life and very proud that my kids call you "Grandpa Ed". You earned that title fair and square. I may not say it enough, but I love you, too.
To my kids' dad...I am glad that they are with you on this day. I hope that you can realize what wonderful boys they are and treat them with love and kindness.
To my guy...Every kid should be so lucky as to have a daddy like you. You do such a wonderful job with your kids. Not just the normal dad stuff, but so much of the day to day parenting that often falls to the mom. I love hearing you intereact with them, with such obvious love and patience. You are such a lovely combination of nurturer, fun guy, and gentle disciplanarian. I also appreciate how you also treat my kids with such kindess and respect. It is very much appreciated. I love you, too, honey!
To my friend, Billy...My heart absolutely breaks for you on this day. What your ex has done is beyond cruel. I wish so much that one day your son will realize how much you wanted to spend time with him, to be in his life. Parental Alienation is inhumane. Not only are you hurt, so is your child, even if he doesn't realize it yet. You are a good man and I hope so much that one day you will be reunited with your son. (((Billy)))
Happy Father's Day to all of you who have been such glowing examples of fatherhood, even through adversity. And, what the Hell....Happy Father's Day to you, too, dad, where ever you may be.
All of this has got me thinking about dads. My own, the men I know, all of their stories. What an important job it is to be a dad and how so many men may never understand the impact they can have on a child's life. And how many others so desperately want to be a part of their child's life, only to be denied that opportunity by a vindictive ex. It's all pretty damn sad.
To my own dad...I wish you could have been the dad I dreamed of having. The one who valued his children and wanted to be a part of their lives. Who would have protected us from the abuse at our step-mother's hands, instead of looking away. Even today, as much as I hate to admit it, there is part of me that still wishes we could be in contact. But I know the reality of the situation. You and the step-mom are a package deal. So I will have to bow out. I will never subject myself and my kids to her again. I still miss you, on some level. But it's taken years for me to heal from all of the damage.
To my grandpa...I still miss you so, so very much. You were such a wonderful man and I am so thankful that you stepped in when my dad wasn't able to do what a dad should do. It's been 16 and a half years since you passed, but you will never be forgetten for all of the love and kindness you brought to my life. I will always love you.
To Ed...What a strange situation. You dated my mom for quite some time, were there through all of the hard teenage stuff, and never had any kids of your own. Even after you and mom were no longer dating, you remained such a constant in the lives of me and my sister. You are a wonderful example of what a real man is and I am so glad to have you in my life and very proud that my kids call you "Grandpa Ed". You earned that title fair and square. I may not say it enough, but I love you, too.
To my kids' dad...I am glad that they are with you on this day. I hope that you can realize what wonderful boys they are and treat them with love and kindness.
To my guy...Every kid should be so lucky as to have a daddy like you. You do such a wonderful job with your kids. Not just the normal dad stuff, but so much of the day to day parenting that often falls to the mom. I love hearing you intereact with them, with such obvious love and patience. You are such a lovely combination of nurturer, fun guy, and gentle disciplanarian. I also appreciate how you also treat my kids with such kindess and respect. It is very much appreciated. I love you, too, honey!
To my friend, Billy...My heart absolutely breaks for you on this day. What your ex has done is beyond cruel. I wish so much that one day your son will realize how much you wanted to spend time with him, to be in his life. Parental Alienation is inhumane. Not only are you hurt, so is your child, even if he doesn't realize it yet. You are a good man and I hope so much that one day you will be reunited with your son. (((Billy)))
Happy Father's Day to all of you who have been such glowing examples of fatherhood, even through adversity. And, what the Hell....Happy Father's Day to you, too, dad, where ever you may be.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
1 year, 1 month, and 1 day
I just looked at the calendar and realized that is what today is...1 year, 1 month, and 1 day since I first met my wonderful man in person for the first time. That long since he first walked up the sidewalk at my former house, dressed in khaki shorts and a white shirt, looking to me like the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on. I was in the doorway, trying not to pass out from the anticipation. lol. Trying to remain calm and not look too nervous. He did a 360 degree turn about halfway up the walk and it made me smile. He admitted later that he was a nervous wreck, too, and was so afraid that I was going to not like him and simply shut the door. That his 3 hour drive there for the day would have been a waste of time.
After spending so many hours upon hours talking to each other over many months, he never felt like a stranger. We had covered just about every topic imaginable, from marriages, to children, to childhoods. Dating, growing up, expectations, and dreams. So much of the connection was based on common bonds of growing up in similar situations and living such similar adult lives. So many parallels that we would even joke about how we must be related. The attraction was intense, even before we met face to face. It was based more on who we were than appearances. But I do have to admit the first time I saw a picture of him, I was beyond smitten. Wow. But even that didn't happen for a long, long time into the friendship.
I did let him in the house that day. How could I not? My nervousness lasted only a minute or so, until he hugged me for the first time. It felt so comfortable and safe, like I had come home. And when he kissed me, that was it. I was a goner from that point. I knew at that very moment that I had to be with this man. I spent the whole day marveling at what was happening. I still don't have a good explanation. The words, "I love this man" kept running through my mind and I had to be watchful not to blurt it out. I wanted to whisper it in his ear, tell everyone I knew, and go outside and shout it at the top of my lungs. But I knew that I couldn't say it just yet. It was our first meeting, for Heaven's sake. That's way, way too soon.
I won't share the details of our day together because that is far too special and personal. That is something that belongs to us alone. To be reminisced over while snuggled up on rainy days. But that day was filled with such tenderness and passion and amazement. The intensity was immense and overwhelming, unlike anything I had experienced. Not just physically. Not even close. It was all of it combined. I was with HIM.
He left that day to travel home and I knew that something had changed within me. I wasn't afraid, just eager to see what would happen as we went along. And those words I wanted so badly to shout and to whisper came pouring out from both of us when we met next. And they have never stopped. Every day I love this man more. I still find amazement in who he is, what he thinks, what he believes, and how he treats people around him. This wonderful man, the one that I feel like have loved forever, that I want to love forever, that I am so thankful to have found.
With him I find comfort and contentment. I can be completely myself with no fear. I feel safe, loved, and cherished. The intimacy and communication we share is something I didn't know was possible. I can't wait to see what more the future brings.
After spending so many hours upon hours talking to each other over many months, he never felt like a stranger. We had covered just about every topic imaginable, from marriages, to children, to childhoods. Dating, growing up, expectations, and dreams. So much of the connection was based on common bonds of growing up in similar situations and living such similar adult lives. So many parallels that we would even joke about how we must be related. The attraction was intense, even before we met face to face. It was based more on who we were than appearances. But I do have to admit the first time I saw a picture of him, I was beyond smitten. Wow. But even that didn't happen for a long, long time into the friendship.
I did let him in the house that day. How could I not? My nervousness lasted only a minute or so, until he hugged me for the first time. It felt so comfortable and safe, like I had come home. And when he kissed me, that was it. I was a goner from that point. I knew at that very moment that I had to be with this man. I spent the whole day marveling at what was happening. I still don't have a good explanation. The words, "I love this man" kept running through my mind and I had to be watchful not to blurt it out. I wanted to whisper it in his ear, tell everyone I knew, and go outside and shout it at the top of my lungs. But I knew that I couldn't say it just yet. It was our first meeting, for Heaven's sake. That's way, way too soon.
I won't share the details of our day together because that is far too special and personal. That is something that belongs to us alone. To be reminisced over while snuggled up on rainy days. But that day was filled with such tenderness and passion and amazement. The intensity was immense and overwhelming, unlike anything I had experienced. Not just physically. Not even close. It was all of it combined. I was with HIM.
He left that day to travel home and I knew that something had changed within me. I wasn't afraid, just eager to see what would happen as we went along. And those words I wanted so badly to shout and to whisper came pouring out from both of us when we met next. And they have never stopped. Every day I love this man more. I still find amazement in who he is, what he thinks, what he believes, and how he treats people around him. This wonderful man, the one that I feel like have loved forever, that I want to love forever, that I am so thankful to have found.
With him I find comfort and contentment. I can be completely myself with no fear. I feel safe, loved, and cherished. The intimacy and communication we share is something I didn't know was possible. I can't wait to see what more the future brings.
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