Quietly missing

I sit here, missing you. Not in a desperate, needy way. It is much more quiet and peaceful. My daily life goes on, whirling around me, so much to do. Yet you are always there, in the back of my mind, bringing me comfort and encouragement. I simply miss your presence. The sound of your voice, your lingering scent, the feel of your hand on my back as you pass by me in the kitchen. Those small, mundane things that bring me such comfort. And the kisses. Let’s not underestimate the power they hold.

Today, I was stuck at a stoplight, going through my list of things to do in my head, like I always do. But I started drifting midway though and could only think of your eyes…how they look at me with such love, how they crinkle when you are laughing, how they light up when you talk about politics. Thankfully, I was able to notice when the light turned green and continue on my way without a serenade of honking horns behind me.

All throughout the day, every single day, there are those moments. Small little breaks in my daily life where you are suddenly at the forefront of my mind. When, even though you aren’t here, I can feel you around me. And I revel in it.

Today I had a morbid thought. What if I something happened and I needed you here? Not something minor. I can handle all of that. But what if I really, really needed you? I had to sit and think about that for a few moments, trying to figure out where that came from and what I would do. I took time to breathe, relax, and really think about that question.

I think it was born of the situation, which is not going to be changing anytime soon as far as I can realistically tell. Then I thought, in my rebellious mode, “I don’t need anyone anyway!” And, honestly, I know that if that moment came, I would get through it. I have gotten through plenty already on my own and came out just fine. So, in reality, what I would do is what I have always done. Put one foot in front of the other and just face whatever the problem could be. I wouldn’t become a shriveled, helpless mess of a woman. I would cope.

But what I realized is that while I made not NEED you, I do want you. If something did happen, I want to know that you are there to hold me and give me comfort and love me. Having spent far too many years weathering almost every difficult moment alone, I don’t want to do it by myself anymore. I want to be able to support each other during those times and to celebrate all of the joyous moments. Together. As partners in life. To hold hands and smile in amazement at all the great things that happen in everyday life. To laugh at the silliness and to offer solace during the sad moments.

I look forward to the life that we have waiting for us. And I love the one we have now, even if it’s not exactly ideal. I have faith in us. That we can do this. I love you more than I ever knew was possible.