Visit aftermath

They left early. They had planned to leave on Sunday morning, but decided to head back Saturday night instead because they said they hadn't slept well. I offered no resistance.

Since then, I have been pondering. A favorite pastime of mine. Trying to figure out why they have this effect on me at this age and with this much distance. After all of the things I have managed to work on regarding myself over the past decade or so, maybe this is the final piece.

I came to some conclusions after stepping back and trying to see things from a more neutral, logical point of view. Not so much about grandma. I think she is controlling and a little over the top, occasionally verging on inappropriate. But even with all of her toughness, there is still a very nurturing side to her. She has had a tough life and I think that has shaped who she is.

As for mom...whole different story. Growing up, she did all the right things. She made sure we were dressed nice, got fed, read us bedtime stories, and was even room mother in the early grades. But there was also the ever-present knowledge that she really never wanted kids. My sister and I were both "accidents", something we learned pretty early on. She was never what I would consider to be abusive or neglectful, but she was very emotionally absent. I don't think my sister and I were meant to be loved, but to be shown off as pretty little things she made.

Knowing what I know now, what I have learned over the past few years, she does have some pretty darn narcisistic traits. Appearances mattered way too much. She acted proud of my acedemic achievements and activities, yet never bothered to attend any of them. And she made it clear that she would have preferred that I be homecoming or prom queen than on the honor roll or have the lead in the play. There are so many situations where my sister and I were irrelevent. It was all about how we appeared so as to make her look good. I sat and made a list, off the top of my head, of the strange things that had happened along the way with her. It was glaringly obvious that my dreams and feelings were of no matter to her. Hers were what were important. It was a perfect environment for me to learn very well how to pick my ex.

This was a huge revelation to me. And I feel a big sense of relief at having finally pieced it all together. Next to my ex, she seems pretty tame. But she still managed to do damage. All of the times when I have felt less of a person around her were not about me. It was about her inability to accept me as my own person. It somehow makes it easier to deal with now. I don't think she is able to look beyond herself and understand that other people's needs may be very different from her wants.

She can be fun, especially if she is here alone. I am not saying she's all bad. But is she who I waould call in a time of crisis? Not a chance. I know that she wouldn't be there for me. She has shown that many times. Will we ever be close? I don't think so. But I can tolerate her as she is on occassion. I am very thankful for the distance, geographically. It makes being low contact much easier and more acceptable.

So I will keep on living my life, the one I have created on my own. And I will be proud of the person I am. It may not be who she wants me to be or even thinks that I am, but that's fine. I finally am starting to feel freed from the criticsm now that I can see where and why it happens. As hard as it was to realize this, it needed to happen for me to deal with it. And I am thankful