I am missing my kids today, but they will be back here tomorrow. They are with their dad and I hope they are having a good time. Kids should be with their dads on Father's Day. At least unless there is a darn good reason.
All of this has got me thinking about dads. My own, the men I know, all of their stories. What an important job it is to be a dad and how so many men may never understand the impact they can have on a child's life. And how many others so desperately want to be a part of their child's life, only to be denied that opportunity by a vindictive ex. It's all pretty damn sad.
To my own dad...I wish you could have been the dad I dreamed of having. The one who valued his children and wanted to be a part of their lives. Who would have protected us from the abuse at our step-mother's hands, instead of looking away. Even today, as much as I hate to admit it, there is part of me that still wishes we could be in contact. But I know the reality of the situation. You and the step-mom are a package deal. So I will have to bow out. I will never subject myself and my kids to her again. I still miss you, on some level. But it's taken years for me to heal from all of the damage.
To my grandpa...I still miss you so, so very much. You were such a wonderful man and I am so thankful that you stepped in when my dad wasn't able to do what a dad should do. It's been 16 and a half years since you passed, but you will never be forgetten for all of the love and kindness you brought to my life. I will always love you.
To Ed...What a strange situation. You dated my mom for quite some time, were there through all of the hard teenage stuff, and never had any kids of your own. Even after you and mom were no longer dating, you remained such a constant in the lives of me and my sister. You are a wonderful example of what a real man is and I am so glad to have you in my life and very proud that my kids call you "Grandpa Ed". You earned that title fair and square. I may not say it enough, but I love you, too.
To my kids' dad...I am glad that they are with you on this day. I hope that you can realize what wonderful boys they are and treat them with love and kindness.
To my guy...Every kid should be so lucky as to have a daddy like you. You do such a wonderful job with your kids. Not just the normal dad stuff, but so much of the day to day parenting that often falls to the mom. I love hearing you intereact with them, with such obvious love and patience. You are such a lovely combination of nurturer, fun guy, and gentle disciplanarian. I also appreciate how you also treat my kids with such kindess and respect. It is very much appreciated. I love you, too, honey!
To my friend, Billy...My heart absolutely breaks for you on this day. What your ex has done is beyond cruel. I wish so much that one day your son will realize how much you wanted to spend time with him, to be in his life. Parental Alienation is inhumane. Not only are you hurt, so is your child, even if he doesn't realize it yet. You are a good man and I hope so much that one day you will be reunited with your son. (((Billy)))
Happy Father's Day to all of you who have been such glowing examples of fatherhood, even through adversity. And, what the Hell....Happy Father's Day to you, too, dad, where ever you may be.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
1 year, 1 month, and 1 day
I just looked at the calendar and realized that is what today is...1 year, 1 month, and 1 day since I first met my wonderful man in person for the first time. That long since he first walked up the sidewalk at my former house, dressed in khaki shorts and a white shirt, looking to me like the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on. I was in the doorway, trying not to pass out from the anticipation. lol. Trying to remain calm and not look too nervous. He did a 360 degree turn about halfway up the walk and it made me smile. He admitted later that he was a nervous wreck, too, and was so afraid that I was going to not like him and simply shut the door. That his 3 hour drive there for the day would have been a waste of time.
After spending so many hours upon hours talking to each other over many months, he never felt like a stranger. We had covered just about every topic imaginable, from marriages, to children, to childhoods. Dating, growing up, expectations, and dreams. So much of the connection was based on common bonds of growing up in similar situations and living such similar adult lives. So many parallels that we would even joke about how we must be related. The attraction was intense, even before we met face to face. It was based more on who we were than appearances. But I do have to admit the first time I saw a picture of him, I was beyond smitten. Wow. But even that didn't happen for a long, long time into the friendship.
I did let him in the house that day. How could I not? My nervousness lasted only a minute or so, until he hugged me for the first time. It felt so comfortable and safe, like I had come home. And when he kissed me, that was it. I was a goner from that point. I knew at that very moment that I had to be with this man. I spent the whole day marveling at what was happening. I still don't have a good explanation. The words, "I love this man" kept running through my mind and I had to be watchful not to blurt it out. I wanted to whisper it in his ear, tell everyone I knew, and go outside and shout it at the top of my lungs. But I knew that I couldn't say it just yet. It was our first meeting, for Heaven's sake. That's way, way too soon.
I won't share the details of our day together because that is far too special and personal. That is something that belongs to us alone. To be reminisced over while snuggled up on rainy days. But that day was filled with such tenderness and passion and amazement. The intensity was immense and overwhelming, unlike anything I had experienced. Not just physically. Not even close. It was all of it combined. I was with HIM.
He left that day to travel home and I knew that something had changed within me. I wasn't afraid, just eager to see what would happen as we went along. And those words I wanted so badly to shout and to whisper came pouring out from both of us when we met next. And they have never stopped. Every day I love this man more. I still find amazement in who he is, what he thinks, what he believes, and how he treats people around him. This wonderful man, the one that I feel like have loved forever, that I want to love forever, that I am so thankful to have found.
With him I find comfort and contentment. I can be completely myself with no fear. I feel safe, loved, and cherished. The intimacy and communication we share is something I didn't know was possible. I can't wait to see what more the future brings.
After spending so many hours upon hours talking to each other over many months, he never felt like a stranger. We had covered just about every topic imaginable, from marriages, to children, to childhoods. Dating, growing up, expectations, and dreams. So much of the connection was based on common bonds of growing up in similar situations and living such similar adult lives. So many parallels that we would even joke about how we must be related. The attraction was intense, even before we met face to face. It was based more on who we were than appearances. But I do have to admit the first time I saw a picture of him, I was beyond smitten. Wow. But even that didn't happen for a long, long time into the friendship.
I did let him in the house that day. How could I not? My nervousness lasted only a minute or so, until he hugged me for the first time. It felt so comfortable and safe, like I had come home. And when he kissed me, that was it. I was a goner from that point. I knew at that very moment that I had to be with this man. I spent the whole day marveling at what was happening. I still don't have a good explanation. The words, "I love this man" kept running through my mind and I had to be watchful not to blurt it out. I wanted to whisper it in his ear, tell everyone I knew, and go outside and shout it at the top of my lungs. But I knew that I couldn't say it just yet. It was our first meeting, for Heaven's sake. That's way, way too soon.
I won't share the details of our day together because that is far too special and personal. That is something that belongs to us alone. To be reminisced over while snuggled up on rainy days. But that day was filled with such tenderness and passion and amazement. The intensity was immense and overwhelming, unlike anything I had experienced. Not just physically. Not even close. It was all of it combined. I was with HIM.
He left that day to travel home and I knew that something had changed within me. I wasn't afraid, just eager to see what would happen as we went along. And those words I wanted so badly to shout and to whisper came pouring out from both of us when we met next. And they have never stopped. Every day I love this man more. I still find amazement in who he is, what he thinks, what he believes, and how he treats people around him. This wonderful man, the one that I feel like have loved forever, that I want to love forever, that I am so thankful to have found.
With him I find comfort and contentment. I can be completely myself with no fear. I feel safe, loved, and cherished. The intimacy and communication we share is something I didn't know was possible. I can't wait to see what more the future brings.
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