The lazy way out

OK, I am going to try to talk about this as neutrally as possible. This is not about whether I agree or disagree with a person's political views or not. It's simply about the fact that it seems a lot of people are very upset that the President of the United States of America is going to address our children. And that is all this is about.

I just can't see the problem with our President, that was elected by a large majority by the people of our country, giving an address on what is the first day of school for many kids in our nation. It is not even about his agenda...just basic encouraging stuff about staying in school, working hard, etc. Even if a bunch of people don't agree with his views, and that is thankfully their right, given where we live, I find it appalling to teach that it is OK to be disrespectful en mass to the head of our country. Though part of me does find it amusing that the same people worried about their kids hearing what they consider to be a "socialist agenda" have no problem promoting what is essentially the first step towards anarchy.

For reference:

an·ar·chy

n. pl. an·ar·chies Absence of any form of political authority. Political disorder and confusion. Absence of any cohesive principle, such as a common standard or purpose.

OK...I am going to break this down.

Regarding definition #1. I don't think they want an absence of any form of political authority. I think there are just some people that are still so bitter that their candidate lost. The don't want all authority gone. Just this particular one. But let me remind those people of the past. There were a lot of people who were very unhappy that a President was elected not once, but twice, under very questionable circumstances. Whose approval ratings were dismal. Who may or may not have been involved in approving activities that violate the Geneva Convention. Yet those people who disagreed with his principals were still encouraged to support the President for the good of the country. Because he was our ELECTED leader. Yes, people could disagree privately, as is guaranteed as one of our basic freedoms. But as a whole, we were encouraged to present unity, be patriotic, and think of the good of the nation as a whole. I just think that same consideration should be extended in this case as well.

(I am still trying to be middle of the road here. Everyone can have their own opinions. On a personal level, I did disagree with a lot about the last Presidency. But I can't imagine going to the extreme as to say that my children would not be allowed to even watch him speak.)

Definition #2. It seems to me that that is the precise goal of some of the extremists. Honestly, it reminds me a lot of how a child would behave. They don't get their way so they throw a huge tantrum. First the tea baggers, then the birthers, now the "I don't want my kids watching" people. That is nothing more than a tantrum on a large scale.

Definition #3. That is what I am afraid COULD happen. People are losing sight of that common purpose which is the well-being of our great nation. There will always be a difference of opinion. And people can, and should, express those opinions. But, as a whole nation, we do need to present unity. If you don't agree with something, work to change it. If you don't like who is in office, work to elect someone else next time. Volunteer to campaign. Write letters to your Senators and Representatives expressing your views on particular bills. There are plenty of ways to be effective without making the country look bad. And I believe that was what a lot of people heard during the last Presidency. That if people didn't agree, fine, but just try to present a united from and elect someone else next time. Now that it happened, many of those same people cannot or will not abide by their own suggestions.

So here is my "radical" suggestion. Let the kids watch the President. Respectfully. Then, parents, here is what you do. And this applies to ALL parents, not just those who are opposing the speech. You personally need to actually either read or listen to what the speech contained. Then, when the kids get home from school, sit down with them. Talk about what they heard and what they thought. And this is the time for you to express your personal views on what was said. To your own children. That is your job as their parent. To teach them your beliefs and then to allow them to either agree or disagree, and form their own beliefs. This is exactly what gets kids interested in politics and gets them to be involved in the process as adults. It doesn't matter one bit to me if you are Democrat, Republican, Green Party, or whatever. The whole idea is that you, the parent, should be discussing this with you own child instead of trying to stop all kids from hearing it or opting your child out of hearing it. That's the lazy way out. Take this chance to do it the right way. Use the opportunity to talk to your kids and discuss what you believe, whatever that might be.

One for Miss A

I found something I just knew Miss A would appreciate. I just have to share. People of Wal-Mart.

It's been a week

Things are settling down. The problem with my oldest son was settled down by the next morning. Everything blew over and we are back on good standing. I am glad because I happen to like him as well as love him.

Last Thursday was the first day of school for all of the boys. The two older ones were all ready to head off. The two younger ones were not as excited. We were told last year that they could attend their original school even though we switched elementary school districts. I was assured it was a very simple process. All I had to do was register them at the new school, then request a transfer, something that is done frequently. This year the rule changed. So about two days before school, I find out that transferring them isn't an option. And have the fun job of explaining this to two change-resistant kids on the autism spectrum. They weren't happy about it, but have adapted well enough. Adam still tells me every day that he doesn't want to go to school, but he did the same thing last year. In his case, I really think trying to get out of going is just part of his morning routine. And I don't let him skip school, so I have no idea of the purpose of his protests, other than to hear himself talk.

I am hoping that business starts to pick up soon. It usually takes a week or two after school starts for my phone to start ringing to do advocacy work. It never fails that some kids are placed in an inappropriate setting for special ed, the parents get upset, call me, and I go with them to fix it. It's a great job. I love being able to help families in that way. I am also going to do my second training of the month on this Wednesday. Another all day one on special ed laws and how to write IEPs. It may sound kind of boring, but I love presenting this one. I really think that anyone who has a child or works with children with special needs should make it a priority to learn all they can about the subject.

Personally, I just want to say that I am a very happy person today. Due to scheduling conflicts and life, the guy and I haven't been able to see each other in a month. It's not as bad as it sounds. So long as I can talk to him daily, I am content. Just hearing his voice makes me smile. But I got very lucky today and got to spend face-to-face time with him. What a wonderful gift to be able to spend time together. I don't think I will ever get enough of just being near him, talking, looking at him, holding hands, taking a nap on a summer day. Ahhhh. I have never experienced such contentment.

Dear oldest son,

I know this has been a difficult year for us on many levels. But things seemed to have been getting better for you on an emotional level. I don't even know what to say to you right now. I came down to say goodnight and talk to you for a while because I have really enjoyed our talks at night this summer. I know you are 15 1/2 and really want to be in driver's ed. And I want you to be. But the school doesn't offer it and I don't have the $300 to pay for it. I am pretty sure where this anger is coming from. But I am doing my best, regardless of how you may see it. Yeah, the money has been beyond tight at times this year.I am not crazy about that, either. I happen to like having money, too. But it is better now than it was a few months ago. And I am hopeful it will continue to get better.

But here is the deal. If I go back to work full-time, in an office somewhere, then all of you will not see me as much. There will be no after school activities for anyone because I can't be there to take you. If the younger two kids get sick, it had better be a rare occurrence because I can't expect a job to just let me take off if someone is ill. The two older ones would just have to be on their own and be sick. During the summer, you guys will be on your own, which I really don't like.

Honestly, I am trying to be understanding, but you just need to get over yourself. I am trying my best to support us, working three unique jobs that allow me flexibility to still be available to all of you. And when I mentioned that I had applied for over 130 jobs this summer, many of them minimum wage even, and that I didn't get so much as an interview, I really don't need you accusing me of lying about it. I deserve more respect than that. I did not lie about it. I didn't get one single call. School is starting again which means I will be getting clients (I hope), I am presenting my second training of the month next week, and I am on the school's substitute list. Not only that, I am on the top of several teachers' lists. It will be a better year. Maybe not as financially lucrative as you would like, but better.

So go ahead and try to guilt me with threats of running away. It doesn't work anymore. I am not going to be manipulated. There is the door. Just know that if you go out, I will call the police and report you as a runaway. I am responsible for you until you are 18. I take it seriously. And I will not just let you leave with no recourse. But you know this. I have told you before, a few months ago. And I still mean it.

I hope that tomorrow you are in a better mood. I don't know what happened tonight that pushed you this way. I haven't seen this mean, ugly side of you in a few months. I have really enjoyed the summer, especially sitting out on the deck and talking in the evening. And I thought you did, too. You seemed to understand that it would get better. I don't get it. And even now, I do love you. I hope you know that.

Reclaiming my space

We moved into a house with 5 bedrooms in June. For the first time ever, we all have our own room. Which is wonderful. Now when the kids act up, I can send them to their individual space to cool down, think, whatever. that was never an option when they shared rooms. And they have all liked the idea of having their own room. Notice I said the IDEA of it. My youngest is territorial about his. No one had better set foot in there without his written permission! My oldest loves having his room, but it seems that his next youngest brother manages to weasel in there frequently. They get along well most of the time, so that's not an issue. And the third child actually does spend time in his room, hanging out, whatever. So, in theory, this works great.

Reality check. Oldest...fine with the new room. Second son, doesn't want to sleep in his yet. He insisted on having the only room on the first floor, but now gets nervous. He will get over it. third child, no problem. Youngest...big problem. Yes, he's territorial. BUT HE WON"T SLEEP THERE!!! Every single night, he ends up sneaking in with me. I didn't mind much at first. It's a big adjustment. But I am really getting tired of this. I want my space back!!!

My room is rather large and used to be the attic. It's mine. I love having my room and my personal space. But lately the kids have been coming up here and laying in my bed, watching TV, annoying each other, whatever it is that kids should be doing somewhere other than in my room. I just about went off on the second kid and his friends last night. OK. Let me change that. I did go off. I walked into my room to find that my whole bed has been moved away from the wall and is in the middle of the room. This happened one other time previously, with all of the same kids, and even the kids who are not my own children KNOW my room is off limits. That is just not in any way, shape, or form OK.

So there are some big changes coming around here. I have been tightening up on the discipline in general lately. I had slacked off over the past year due to all of the huge changes in their lives and mine. But easy-going mom is gone. I will still be nice mom. Loving mom. Silly mom. but there will be rules and they will be enforced. I have reached my limits with this. So I have come up with a list of rules in my head. I am going to print them up and post them on the fridge, right next to the chore list that will also be created this week. I am not so unreasonable as to expect them to just intuitively know the rules.

Rule 1: No going in anyone's room without their permission. Especially mine. It is to be my own private sanctuary. There is no one, not even Chuck, who sleeps over here yet when the kids are here. But it is never too early to instill those boundaries. I would rather do it now so they don't feel that the rules have changed because of a guy in my life.

Rule 2: Pick up after yourself. I am not going to do it for you and I will not live in a pigsty. If you cannot pick up, you will lose privileges. It is not my job to follow four other people around and clean up, kind of like a human Roomba. Not my job.

Rule 3: I am not your personal servant. I do not mind assisting with things if I am asked politely. However, you are all capable of getting yourselves drinks, going to the bathroom on your own, and finding your own stuff. OK, maybe the youngest might still need some help with this occasionally. But not for much longer. I want independent, capable kids.

Rule 4: You will have a bedtime. The youngest will be in bed at 8. The next one at 8:30. The oldest ones at 10. The younger two may lay in bed quietly and read for 30 minutes before lights out. The older ones can be in their rooms and be quiet. I am not that concerned about when they turn their lights out, but we all need some private, quiet time.

Rule 5: You will do your chores. We all live here and we all need to help out.

Rule 6: You will do your homework when you get home from school. I am not going to be blindsided by the need for posterboard at 9pm. Enough said.

There just needs to be a sense of order again. School is starting. Work will be picking up. And we are all in serious need of a routine again. Rules are good.

I feel like a martini

Shaken, not stirred.

Ok, my lame attempt at humor before finishing my second cup of much-needed coffee. I am awake and still have the shadow of the dream hanging over me. I am hoping that as the day goes on, the feelings it has brought on will clear out a bit.

This could be a hard week. The kids were supposed to be in another state this week with their dad, but because of football practice for one of the kids, he chose to only have the four for the weekend and try to just see them during the week for football practices. So there are going to be several times where I have to send them off this week. If I can't shake this feeling of dread, it's going to be a long, long week.

As for the martini reference, I am kind of amused after thinking about it. I know a lot of people, when upset, do have a drink to calm down. I don't normally. Maybe if I am minorly irritated. But if I am truly upset, that is the last thing I would want. Remnants of an alcoholic father. I am always afraid that if I start to have a drink to calm me down, I am going to go down that path, too. Not that I really believe that I would, but why take that chance. One of my own personal rules for myself. I am not opposed at all to having the occassional good beer or glass of wine if I am being social or if it is a hot day andit sounds good. Sometimes even 2 or 3. But not as a way to deal with problems. That is a line I will never feel right about crossing. So, for now, I will just have more coffee and work on moving on with the day.

4:18 am

I went to sleep about three hours ago. Later than I had hoped, but not terrible. And here I am, awake, afraid to go back to sleep. For the first time in a very, very long time, I had a nightmare. Yes, I know it wasn't real and I am 41 years old and all of that. But this is one of those that you have to wake up and stay up for a while, just to not have it restart the moment your close your eyes again.

I won't go into the graphic details. I can't. But it involved my ex and my kids at a public place, with me there also...not WITH them, but at the same location. The kids came up and told me they were going with their dad for something, but that they would be back. When they didn't show back up after a while, I was getting concerned. I take out my phone to call our oldest son's phone, only to discover I have missed a lot of texts that had been sent. I start reading from the beginning. What it comes down to is he has them and I very well may never see them again. The texts are so bad. So cold. So very, very sick. In this dream, I can't even call 911. I stand there, staring at the phone, in the middle of a crowd, screaming. This half growl, half cry....just can't stop. Not even to tell the people who come to my aid. I can only point at the phone, hoping I'm not too late. The screaming woke me up. I hoped that I didn't literally scream. I see that my youngest child has crawled in bed with me and is sleeping soundly. I must not have.

I take a deep breath and lay back down. It's just a dream. It's just a dream. I close my eyes. RIGHT BACK INTO THE DAMN DREAM!!!! I sit back up again, shaking. I lay there with my eyes open for a while. Think happy thoughts. Turn on the TV. OK.....eyes are closing.....and it's back. DAMN!!!! So, am up. I can't go back into it. I am normally so content with my life, but right now I am wishing my guy wasn't so far away. I need a back to snuggle against to feel safe and he does that. I can make due with a pillow substitute any other night, but tonight is different. And I know it's silly...I know I am really fine. That the kids are fine.

So I am wondering why on earth I am having this dream tonight. Two reasons, I think. First, there is still a part of me that thinks that since he had threatened to do it previously, you just never know. And since the court seems to think unsupervised visits are fine, that he threatened harm, but they felt he didn't really intend to do it, I have no choice. The kids go visit. And I have no idea or say in what happens there, because I play by the rules.

Secondly, the text in the dream is key. One of them mentioned about me being happy, so he was going to fix that. I am guessing that even though I have been feeling the best I have ever felt in my life, somewhere, way deep down, maybe I think that's somehow a bad thing. That I don't deserve to be so incredibly happy. That if I do, bad things will happen. I have managed to get past that thought process during my conscious time of the day. It took years and years, but I am there. But somewhere, there is still that tiny, minuscule piece, maybe a few rogue brain cells banding together in protest, that hold on to that idea.

I am feeling a little better now. Not ready to go back to sleep, but not shaking. And back to believing that I am not going to be punished for being happy.

I guess I ought to start somewhere.

I have pretty much wasted the day today. I don't do that often. But I spent the day napping, chatting with friends, napping some more. When the kids aren't here, I always seem to become temporarily nocturnal. And then I nap on the last day. Today was the nap day.

I woke up at a reasonable hour, made some coffee, and decided breakfast would be a good idea. That was kind of surprising given I hadn't went to sleep until sometime after four. So, after breakfast....nap time! Ahhhhh. I love naps. Then the phone rang. It was my guy, so I was happy to take the call. We spent a while catching up since yesterday and talked about his upcoming visit in a couple of weeks. (Just a side note...he lives the next state up, we both have lives, and we normally get together more than once a month. It's just been one of those really busy months for both of us.) After our call, I laid in bed, contemplating what I was going to do today. Then I rolled back over and went back to sleep. Ahhhhh. Naps!

The phone rang 3 more times. Twice were my mom, which I didn't answer. I figured I'd just call her back when I finally decided to wake up for the day. The other was from a friend in another state. I talked to her for a while and decided to meander out of my room and in search of more coffee.

I grab my mug of coffee and head to the computer to check assorted must-read sites. And feel a little tired, despite the fully-caffeinated coffee. So I walk over to the couch, grab a couple of throw pillows, lay down, and fall fast asleep. Again. At this point, even I am aware of how ridiculous this is. A nap is one thing. But how many naps does one person really need in a day? I can't even say "Ahhhhhhh. Naps!" this time. Because I somehow fell asleep with my left arm tucked under my body at some awkward angle and now it hurts and I can't move it for a while. Damn! Freaking naps!!!

I walk back to the kitchen, get another cup of coffee using my functional right arm, and plan to stay awake this time. I listen to the silence. This only happens about every other weekend and for 4 hours on Wednesday. Part of me wants to turn on the TV or put on some music, but I am just really liking the silence. When the boys aren't here, I can go the whole time without ever turning on the TV. I don't miss it. I drink my coffee and think about the kids, then my guy.

I go back upstairs, take a shower, go to my room. Check my computer up here to see if anything interesting has happened during my nap time. Not really. I look over and my bed beckons. Ugh!!! I. Will. Not. Lay. Down. So, I lay down. Just to think and cool off before I get dressed. I like having time to think. To ponder. Plan. Imagine. So I lay there and just think, letting my mind wander. And....I fall asleep. lol. Not for long. I think that I have hit my nap limit for the day. Finally.

I did manage to get up, straighten up the house, actually talk to people, call my mom back, normal stuff. I made dinner. Or, let me rephrase that, I microwaved dinner. Fed the cats. Never did turn on the TV. Came back upstairs to my room and did not fall asleep. I talked to a client about a meeting tomorrow. Have plans all set for the week, including working and registering 4 kids for school. It will be one busy week. So maybe I just knew this and that's why I spent the day napping. Or at least that's my excuse. Once in a while, I think we all could use a day of napping.