Waiting. Waiting. And waiting some more.

I am having a hard time today for no apparent reason. I think it is such a combination of things. Kid burnout since we switched weekends. Trying to get all of the Halloween stuff ready. 4 days off of school for fall break. This should be the weekend for my guy to visit, but we were both too busy and pushed it back a week. All of it combined is leaving me feeling kind of raw and vulnerable. Not exactly my favorite feelings.

I think this is where that strange combo of Aspieness and family dysfunction come into play. I try very, very hard to not jump to conclusions and wait until I have all of the data before figuring situations out. This can be both good and bad. Good in the sense that I will rarely, if ever, get angry for no darn good reason. It's hard to just fly off the handle when you have trained yourself to stop, think, think some more, then decide if the emotion is valid. Takes some of the edge off by the time that decision is made. If I do decide I have a valid reason to be angry, or even perturbed, I am not going to flip out.

On the bad side, it makes it hard for me to discern between when I am being fair, patient, and understanding versus being a doormat. There is a line between the two, but it is pretty darn blurry to me at times. Having been a doormat on several occasions, to the point I probably could have made a wonderful career of it if that were an option, I am not too keen on being one again. I have made a concerted effort to make my expectations and boundaries known. I have worked very hard at being able to say "No" when needed and to put my interests at the front of the line most of the time. But sometimes....damn, it's just hard to figure out! Where is that line? When does it go from being compassionate and understanding to being walked on and taken for granted? It is difficult to determine, especially without daily personal contact, if I am being overly sensitive and not reading things right (like I was told most of my life) or if I am reading it right and I need to address the issue. So what ends up happening is I go around and around in circles, trying to figure it out, trying to be fair yet not dismiss my feelings.

I am not good at figuring this stuff out. Mixed messages, whether intentional or not, stress me out. I would much rather have it laid out plainly. I keep going through every reason why it has nothing to do with me, but with the crazy week and situations. I do understand that. I am not that demanding, really. But if I get a text saying to expect a call in 20 minutes, I think it should happen somewhere near 20 minutes. Not 90 minutes or so later. If I get a text asking how I am and I respond with a similar question, I would think there would be a reply. Yet here it is, 3 hours later....nada. There may well be a good reason. But, honestly, right now, I don't even know if I am in the mood to hear it. This has a cumulative effect. Once in a while, I understand things come up. But it adds up and compounds.

Waiting is hard. Long distance is hard. I think both take an extra effort to maintain that closeness when we are apart. I have no doubt of my feelings and am still sitting here, waiting, for the future to unfold. I look forward to that day when it can finally happen. But the waiting is gnawing at me. The uncertainty of it all. I have been waiting 18 months on Thursday and still no real end in sight. My biggest fear is that I will sit here and wait, patiently, only to have it be for nothing. That there will be a change of heart, a change in plans, or that the resentment over waiting endlessly will finally catch up. I need that contact and reassurance to remind me of WHY I am still waiting and that it's all worth it in the end. I need that visit next week to get here to get me through until the next one.

Sigh. I hate trying to make sense of all of this. I am going to try my best to put it in the back of my mind, finish my Halloween costume, and have fun with my friends tonight. I am not going to stop living life and sit and mope. My allotted moping time is up now. Back to work.