With much love

You, dear man that I love,
Have been lingering on my mind today
I have been where you are
I still remember so well
The numbness
The second guessing
The panic, wondering what I have done
Can I take it back?
Knowing I couldn’t
Nor would I want to
But the fear and worry still clung to me
Like a small child to its momma’s legs
Being thrust into the new world,
Not speaking the language
Not knowing the customs of the land
And it felt lonely, cold, oppressive
I lay in my bed some nights
Curled with my pillow
Not able to shut off my racing thoughts
Listening to my heart beat
As I played out scene after scene
What was and what might be
As if I had control over either
I cried for what I’d lost
That dream of the life that
Was never possible, never real
I raged at the unfairness
Quietly inside, to myself
Anger swelled at my foolishness
For not seeing and knowing
What I could have never known
I blamed myself for the pain
My own and my children’s
For I brought this on by my own choice
I chose him to marry
To have babies with
To build a life with
I chose this person, so broken
So incapable of true love
I alone made that choice
Was so duped into believing
The sweet words and the illusion
So carefully crafted by him
Not out of love, never
But out of a desire to possess
To control, to belittle, to break
He was a different breed
Not wanting to be filled up with love
But to be filled with power
And admiration
At all costs
Regardless of casualties
Even knowing all of this
Having lived it for so long
It was so hard to let go
To admit that it was not what I had thought
What I had hoped for so long
That it was unfixable
He was unfixable
And that we had to pay the price.

So, my love, you are on my mind
As you go forth to fight
Your own battle on this front
I wish you peace
As you begin this journey
Cautiously finding your way
To the new life that awaits
As much as I wish I could
Wrap you up safely
Protect you from the hurt,
The anger, the confusion
I know that is not my place.
This is yours and yours alone
To face and to conquer

Just remember
You are finally fighting
For something worthwhile
For yourself and a better life
To finally be able to be you
Accepted as you are
No apologies needed
To be able to hold your head up
And be proud of the man you are
Without being belittled
And shamed in front of your
Sweet children
To be the light, the guide
To show them the way
To live differently, too
Each one of you deserves that
You are giving them a great gift
Even if it doesn’t feel that way
At this very moment
The gift of expecting to be treated well
Of knowing that is possible
To give love freely
And have it returned without
A price or penalty

You, my love, are on your way
Know that I will be here
Standing in the shadows
Watching and cheering you on
Proud of who you are
The character you possess
Having seen the abundant
Kindness and love in your heart
It is your battle, my love
But you will not be alone
I will be here
Waiting so patiently
My heart overflowing
Waiting to soothe you
When you are in need
To offer comfort and solace
To wrap you in my arms
And hold you so tight
And feel your heart beating
Unsure of what to offer,
I give you the promise of my love
Through this and always.