4:18 am

I went to sleep about three hours ago. Later than I had hoped, but not terrible. And here I am, awake, afraid to go back to sleep. For the first time in a very, very long time, I had a nightmare. Yes, I know it wasn't real and I am 41 years old and all of that. But this is one of those that you have to wake up and stay up for a while, just to not have it restart the moment your close your eyes again.

I won't go into the graphic details. I can't. But it involved my ex and my kids at a public place, with me there also...not WITH them, but at the same location. The kids came up and told me they were going with their dad for something, but that they would be back. When they didn't show back up after a while, I was getting concerned. I take out my phone to call our oldest son's phone, only to discover I have missed a lot of texts that had been sent. I start reading from the beginning. What it comes down to is he has them and I very well may never see them again. The texts are so bad. So cold. So very, very sick. In this dream, I can't even call 911. I stand there, staring at the phone, in the middle of a crowd, screaming. This half growl, half cry....just can't stop. Not even to tell the people who come to my aid. I can only point at the phone, hoping I'm not too late. The screaming woke me up. I hoped that I didn't literally scream. I see that my youngest child has crawled in bed with me and is sleeping soundly. I must not have.

I take a deep breath and lay back down. It's just a dream. It's just a dream. I close my eyes. RIGHT BACK INTO THE DAMN DREAM!!!! I sit back up again, shaking. I lay there with my eyes open for a while. Think happy thoughts. Turn on the TV. OK.....eyes are closing.....and it's back. DAMN!!!! So, am up. I can't go back into it. I am normally so content with my life, but right now I am wishing my guy wasn't so far away. I need a back to snuggle against to feel safe and he does that. I can make due with a pillow substitute any other night, but tonight is different. And I know it's silly...I know I am really fine. That the kids are fine.

So I am wondering why on earth I am having this dream tonight. Two reasons, I think. First, there is still a part of me that thinks that since he had threatened to do it previously, you just never know. And since the court seems to think unsupervised visits are fine, that he threatened harm, but they felt he didn't really intend to do it, I have no choice. The kids go visit. And I have no idea or say in what happens there, because I play by the rules.

Secondly, the text in the dream is key. One of them mentioned about me being happy, so he was going to fix that. I am guessing that even though I have been feeling the best I have ever felt in my life, somewhere, way deep down, maybe I think that's somehow a bad thing. That I don't deserve to be so incredibly happy. That if I do, bad things will happen. I have managed to get past that thought process during my conscious time of the day. It took years and years, but I am there. But somewhere, there is still that tiny, minuscule piece, maybe a few rogue brain cells banding together in protest, that hold on to that idea.

I am feeling a little better now. Not ready to go back to sleep, but not shaking. And back to believing that I am not going to be punished for being happy.