I am sitting here, procrastinating. I have laundry to do and need to start stripping hideously ugly wallpaper border from almost every single wall of this house. I am glad to finally have a bunch of paint to start transforming this house that once belonged to another family into our home.
This house. I can’t explain it, but from the moment I walked in, it felt like home. The neighborhood isn’t the best, but it’s not terrible, either. But the house itself…when I stepped in, after it had sat empty for many months, it felt…right…like it could be my home. It felt solid and dependable. Yeah, sure, it needs a little work. But I am resourceful, have skills, and power tools. The only thing lacking the past few months has been money to put into it, but I have been able to hit a good deal here and there, slowly, slowly doing small things.
Paint is easy. And I got such a great deal on it! I can hardly believe my good fortune. I am anxious to start painting, but before that happens, there is always prep work. I wish that part could do itself and let me get on with the business of just getting the new colors on the walls. And I know that once I get started in just a bit, I will find comfort and pleasure in stripping down the old paper and probably won’t want to stop to even make dinner.
I have been very lost in my thoughts today and working on the house always helps me to think. It’s calming, kind of like gardening. There is something about working with my hands that settles me. There are so many possibilities, so many unknowns in the next few months. And it’s hard for me, someone who likes to have a plan. Needs to have a plan. Or multiple backup plans, if things are unclear. But that can’t even happen at this point. I am trying to just let it all go and just live. Most days, I do just fine. I am making progress in learning to just live in the moment. But it doesn’t come naturally just yet.
This stupid weekend is getting to me a little. It’s just a day. I know it’s just a day. But, dammit, I had seriously hoped when all of this started over nine months ago that we would be together this weekend. And it won’t, can’t happen. I understand it. I accept it. But it does make me little bit sad. I keep repeating “it’s just another day” over and over. And I know that it is. But…sigh.
I have no doubt that I am loved and in a way beyond anything I could have ever hoped or imagined. And that I love this man just as deeply and intensely. I thought this was stuff that people just made up, for books and movies. That it didn’t actually exist. I love his mind and how he can make me think. How he knows a lot about things that I have never thought about learning. That he shares all of this with me and in a way that doesn’t make me feel inferior at all. I love his kindness, to me, his kids, my kids, and anyone around him. I love his patience and his understanding. I love how he looks at me with such tenderness. That he holds my hand. That we talk and talk and talk, about anything from news to plans for this house to our deepest secrets and dreams. That he writes poems, about so many things, not just me…though those melt my heart. I love that we feel secure enough with each other to be honest and to be vulnerable. I have never trusted another person the way I trust him. He is on my mind and in my heart every moment of the day, even as I am going about the rest of my life. Not intrusively, just there, solid, secure, loving.
I am OK with not being geographically nearer on most days because so much of the pleasure of being with him is derived from our talks. The mental, emotional, and spiritual connection is just as wonderful from a distance. Yes, there are days I wish he were closer so I could see those beautiful eyes or curl up next to him, because his psychical presence is so comforting. And I get a serious case of butterflies when I look at him, whether it’s when he first arrives here for a visit, when he walks through the door after being outside, or when I roll over in the morning and marvel at the fact he is there next to me. Right there. I know that there will finally be a time when he will be here more, or I there, and I look forward to that. Some days, out of the blue, I am overwhelmed with missing him and absolutely long for that day to get here. Others, I am content to wait patiently, knowing it will come. Not that it might, but that it will. Because I believe in him and I trust him and I love him.
I guess this waiting part, the hard part, is like the prep work for the house. I don’t necessarily want to do it, but it’s part of the process. And, if I take the time to do it right, the end result will only be that much better in the end.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The lazy way out
OK, I am going to try to talk about this as neutrally as possible. This is not about whether I agree or disagree with a person's political views or not. It's simply about the fact that it seems a lot of people are very upset that the President of the United States of America is going to address our children. And that is all this is about.
I just can't see the problem with our President, that was elected by a large majority by the people of our country, giving an address on what is the first day of school for many kids in our nation. It is not even about his agenda...just basic encouraging stuff about staying in school, working hard, etc. Even if a bunch of people don't agree with his views, and that is thankfully their right, given where we live, I find it appalling to teach that it is OK to be disrespectful en mass to the head of our country. Though part of me does find it amusing that the same people worried about their kids hearing what they consider to be a "socialist agenda" have no problem promoting what is essentially the first step towards anarchy.
For reference:
an·ar·chy
OK...I am going to break this down.
Regarding definition #1. I don't think they want an absence of any form of political authority. I think there are just some people that are still so bitter that their candidate lost. The don't want all authority gone. Just this particular one. But let me remind those people of the past. There were a lot of people who were very unhappy that a President was elected not once, but twice, under very questionable circumstances. Whose approval ratings were dismal. Who may or may not have been involved in approving activities that violate the Geneva Convention. Yet those people who disagreed with his principals were still encouraged to support the President for the good of the country. Because he was our ELECTED leader. Yes, people could disagree privately, as is guaranteed as one of our basic freedoms. But as a whole, we were encouraged to present unity, be patriotic, and think of the good of the nation as a whole. I just think that same consideration should be extended in this case as well.
(I am still trying to be middle of the road here. Everyone can have their own opinions. On a personal level, I did disagree with a lot about the last Presidency. But I can't imagine going to the extreme as to say that my children would not be allowed to even watch him speak.)
Definition #2. It seems to me that that is the precise goal of some of the extremists. Honestly, it reminds me a lot of how a child would behave. They don't get their way so they throw a huge tantrum. First the tea baggers, then the birthers, now the "I don't want my kids watching" people. That is nothing more than a tantrum on a large scale.
Definition #3. That is what I am afraid COULD happen. People are losing sight of that common purpose which is the well-being of our great nation. There will always be a difference of opinion. And people can, and should, express those opinions. But, as a whole nation, we do need to present unity. If you don't agree with something, work to change it. If you don't like who is in office, work to elect someone else next time. Volunteer to campaign. Write letters to your Senators and Representatives expressing your views on particular bills. There are plenty of ways to be effective without making the country look bad. And I believe that was what a lot of people heard during the last Presidency. That if people didn't agree, fine, but just try to present a united from and elect someone else next time. Now that it happened, many of those same people cannot or will not abide by their own suggestions.
So here is my "radical" suggestion. Let the kids watch the President. Respectfully. Then, parents, here is what you do. And this applies to ALL parents, not just those who are opposing the speech. You personally need to actually either read or listen to what the speech contained. Then, when the kids get home from school, sit down with them. Talk about what they heard and what they thought. And this is the time for you to express your personal views on what was said. To your own children. That is your job as their parent. To teach them your beliefs and then to allow them to either agree or disagree, and form their own beliefs. This is exactly what gets kids interested in politics and gets them to be involved in the process as adults. It doesn't matter one bit to me if you are Democrat, Republican, Green Party, or whatever. The whole idea is that you, the parent, should be discussing this with you own child instead of trying to stop all kids from hearing it or opting your child out of hearing it. That's the lazy way out. Take this chance to do it the right way. Use the opportunity to talk to your kids and discuss what you believe, whatever that might be.
I just can't see the problem with our President, that was elected by a large majority by the people of our country, giving an address on what is the first day of school for many kids in our nation. It is not even about his agenda...just basic encouraging stuff about staying in school, working hard, etc. Even if a bunch of people don't agree with his views, and that is thankfully their right, given where we live, I find it appalling to teach that it is OK to be disrespectful en mass to the head of our country. Though part of me does find it amusing that the same people worried about their kids hearing what they consider to be a "socialist agenda" have no problem promoting what is essentially the first step towards anarchy.
For reference:
an·ar·chy
n. pl. an·ar·chies
|
Regarding definition #1. I don't think they want an absence of any form of political authority. I think there are just some people that are still so bitter that their candidate lost. The don't want all authority gone. Just this particular one. But let me remind those people of the past. There were a lot of people who were very unhappy that a President was elected not once, but twice, under very questionable circumstances. Whose approval ratings were dismal. Who may or may not have been involved in approving activities that violate the Geneva Convention. Yet those people who disagreed with his principals were still encouraged to support the President for the good of the country. Because he was our ELECTED leader. Yes, people could disagree privately, as is guaranteed as one of our basic freedoms. But as a whole, we were encouraged to present unity, be patriotic, and think of the good of the nation as a whole. I just think that same consideration should be extended in this case as well.
(I am still trying to be middle of the road here. Everyone can have their own opinions. On a personal level, I did disagree with a lot about the last Presidency. But I can't imagine going to the extreme as to say that my children would not be allowed to even watch him speak.)
Definition #2. It seems to me that that is the precise goal of some of the extremists. Honestly, it reminds me a lot of how a child would behave. They don't get their way so they throw a huge tantrum. First the tea baggers, then the birthers, now the "I don't want my kids watching" people. That is nothing more than a tantrum on a large scale.
Definition #3. That is what I am afraid COULD happen. People are losing sight of that common purpose which is the well-being of our great nation. There will always be a difference of opinion. And people can, and should, express those opinions. But, as a whole nation, we do need to present unity. If you don't agree with something, work to change it. If you don't like who is in office, work to elect someone else next time. Volunteer to campaign. Write letters to your Senators and Representatives expressing your views on particular bills. There are plenty of ways to be effective without making the country look bad. And I believe that was what a lot of people heard during the last Presidency. That if people didn't agree, fine, but just try to present a united from and elect someone else next time. Now that it happened, many of those same people cannot or will not abide by their own suggestions.
So here is my "radical" suggestion. Let the kids watch the President. Respectfully. Then, parents, here is what you do. And this applies to ALL parents, not just those who are opposing the speech. You personally need to actually either read or listen to what the speech contained. Then, when the kids get home from school, sit down with them. Talk about what they heard and what they thought. And this is the time for you to express your personal views on what was said. To your own children. That is your job as their parent. To teach them your beliefs and then to allow them to either agree or disagree, and form their own beliefs. This is exactly what gets kids interested in politics and gets them to be involved in the process as adults. It doesn't matter one bit to me if you are Democrat, Republican, Green Party, or whatever. The whole idea is that you, the parent, should be discussing this with you own child instead of trying to stop all kids from hearing it or opting your child out of hearing it. That's the lazy way out. Take this chance to do it the right way. Use the opportunity to talk to your kids and discuss what you believe, whatever that might be.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
It's been a week
Things are settling down. The problem with my oldest son was settled down by the next morning. Everything blew over and we are back on good standing. I am glad because I happen to like him as well as love him.
Last Thursday was the first day of school for all of the boys. The two older ones were all ready to head off. The two younger ones were not as excited. We were told last year that they could attend their original school even though we switched elementary school districts. I was assured it was a very simple process. All I had to do was register them at the new school, then request a transfer, something that is done frequently. This year the rule changed. So about two days before school, I find out that transferring them isn't an option. And have the fun job of explaining this to two change-resistant kids on the autism spectrum. They weren't happy about it, but have adapted well enough. Adam still tells me every day that he doesn't want to go to school, but he did the same thing last year. In his case, I really think trying to get out of going is just part of his morning routine. And I don't let him skip school, so I have no idea of the purpose of his protests, other than to hear himself talk.
I am hoping that business starts to pick up soon. It usually takes a week or two after school starts for my phone to start ringing to do advocacy work. It never fails that some kids are placed in an inappropriate setting for special ed, the parents get upset, call me, and I go with them to fix it. It's a great job. I love being able to help families in that way. I am also going to do my second training of the month on this Wednesday. Another all day one on special ed laws and how to write IEPs. It may sound kind of boring, but I love presenting this one. I really think that anyone who has a child or works with children with special needs should make it a priority to learn all they can about the subject.
Personally, I just want to say that I am a very happy person today. Due to scheduling conflicts and life, the guy and I haven't been able to see each other in a month. It's not as bad as it sounds. So long as I can talk to him daily, I am content. Just hearing his voice makes me smile. But I got very lucky today and got to spend face-to-face time with him. What a wonderful gift to be able to spend time together. I don't think I will ever get enough of just being near him, talking, looking at him, holding hands, taking a nap on a summer day. Ahhhh. I have never experienced such contentment.
Last Thursday was the first day of school for all of the boys. The two older ones were all ready to head off. The two younger ones were not as excited. We were told last year that they could attend their original school even though we switched elementary school districts. I was assured it was a very simple process. All I had to do was register them at the new school, then request a transfer, something that is done frequently. This year the rule changed. So about two days before school, I find out that transferring them isn't an option. And have the fun job of explaining this to two change-resistant kids on the autism spectrum. They weren't happy about it, but have adapted well enough. Adam still tells me every day that he doesn't want to go to school, but he did the same thing last year. In his case, I really think trying to get out of going is just part of his morning routine. And I don't let him skip school, so I have no idea of the purpose of his protests, other than to hear himself talk.
I am hoping that business starts to pick up soon. It usually takes a week or two after school starts for my phone to start ringing to do advocacy work. It never fails that some kids are placed in an inappropriate setting for special ed, the parents get upset, call me, and I go with them to fix it. It's a great job. I love being able to help families in that way. I am also going to do my second training of the month on this Wednesday. Another all day one on special ed laws and how to write IEPs. It may sound kind of boring, but I love presenting this one. I really think that anyone who has a child or works with children with special needs should make it a priority to learn all they can about the subject.
Personally, I just want to say that I am a very happy person today. Due to scheduling conflicts and life, the guy and I haven't been able to see each other in a month. It's not as bad as it sounds. So long as I can talk to him daily, I am content. Just hearing his voice makes me smile. But I got very lucky today and got to spend face-to-face time with him. What a wonderful gift to be able to spend time together. I don't think I will ever get enough of just being near him, talking, looking at him, holding hands, taking a nap on a summer day. Ahhhh. I have never experienced such contentment.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Dear oldest son,
I know this has been a difficult year for us on many levels. But things seemed to have been getting better for you on an emotional level. I don't even know what to say to you right now. I came down to say goodnight and talk to you for a while because I have really enjoyed our talks at night this summer. I know you are 15 1/2 and really want to be in driver's ed. And I want you to be. But the school doesn't offer it and I don't have the $300 to pay for it. I am pretty sure where this anger is coming from. But I am doing my best, regardless of how you may see it. Yeah, the money has been beyond tight at times this year.I am not crazy about that, either. I happen to like having money, too. But it is better now than it was a few months ago. And I am hopeful it will continue to get better.
But here is the deal. If I go back to work full-time, in an office somewhere, then all of you will not see me as much. There will be no after school activities for anyone because I can't be there to take you. If the younger two kids get sick, it had better be a rare occurrence because I can't expect a job to just let me take off if someone is ill. The two older ones would just have to be on their own and be sick. During the summer, you guys will be on your own, which I really don't like.
Honestly, I am trying to be understanding, but you just need to get over yourself. I am trying my best to support us, working three unique jobs that allow me flexibility to still be available to all of you. And when I mentioned that I had applied for over 130 jobs this summer, many of them minimum wage even, and that I didn't get so much as an interview, I really don't need you accusing me of lying about it. I deserve more respect than that. I did not lie about it. I didn't get one single call. School is starting again which means I will be getting clients (I hope), I am presenting my second training of the month next week, and I am on the school's substitute list. Not only that, I am on the top of several teachers' lists. It will be a better year. Maybe not as financially lucrative as you would like, but better.
So go ahead and try to guilt me with threats of running away. It doesn't work anymore. I am not going to be manipulated. There is the door. Just know that if you go out, I will call the police and report you as a runaway. I am responsible for you until you are 18. I take it seriously. And I will not just let you leave with no recourse. But you know this. I have told you before, a few months ago. And I still mean it.
I hope that tomorrow you are in a better mood. I don't know what happened tonight that pushed you this way. I haven't seen this mean, ugly side of you in a few months. I have really enjoyed the summer, especially sitting out on the deck and talking in the evening. And I thought you did, too. You seemed to understand that it would get better. I don't get it. And even now, I do love you. I hope you know that.
But here is the deal. If I go back to work full-time, in an office somewhere, then all of you will not see me as much. There will be no after school activities for anyone because I can't be there to take you. If the younger two kids get sick, it had better be a rare occurrence because I can't expect a job to just let me take off if someone is ill. The two older ones would just have to be on their own and be sick. During the summer, you guys will be on your own, which I really don't like.
Honestly, I am trying to be understanding, but you just need to get over yourself. I am trying my best to support us, working three unique jobs that allow me flexibility to still be available to all of you. And when I mentioned that I had applied for over 130 jobs this summer, many of them minimum wage even, and that I didn't get so much as an interview, I really don't need you accusing me of lying about it. I deserve more respect than that. I did not lie about it. I didn't get one single call. School is starting again which means I will be getting clients (I hope), I am presenting my second training of the month next week, and I am on the school's substitute list. Not only that, I am on the top of several teachers' lists. It will be a better year. Maybe not as financially lucrative as you would like, but better.
So go ahead and try to guilt me with threats of running away. It doesn't work anymore. I am not going to be manipulated. There is the door. Just know that if you go out, I will call the police and report you as a runaway. I am responsible for you until you are 18. I take it seriously. And I will not just let you leave with no recourse. But you know this. I have told you before, a few months ago. And I still mean it.
I hope that tomorrow you are in a better mood. I don't know what happened tonight that pushed you this way. I haven't seen this mean, ugly side of you in a few months. I have really enjoyed the summer, especially sitting out on the deck and talking in the evening. And I thought you did, too. You seemed to understand that it would get better. I don't get it. And even now, I do love you. I hope you know that.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Reclaiming my space
We moved into a house with 5 bedrooms in June. For the first time ever, we all have our own room. Which is wonderful. Now when the kids act up, I can send them to their individual space to cool down, think, whatever. that was never an option when they shared rooms. And they have all liked the idea of having their own room. Notice I said the IDEA of it. My youngest is territorial about his. No one had better set foot in there without his written permission! My oldest loves having his room, but it seems that his next youngest brother manages to weasel in there frequently. They get along well most of the time, so that's not an issue. And the third child actually does spend time in his room, hanging out, whatever. So, in theory, this works great.
Reality check. Oldest...fine with the new room. Second son, doesn't want to sleep in his yet. He insisted on having the only room on the first floor, but now gets nervous. He will get over it. third child, no problem. Youngest...big problem. Yes, he's territorial. BUT HE WON"T SLEEP THERE!!! Every single night, he ends up sneaking in with me. I didn't mind much at first. It's a big adjustment. But I am really getting tired of this. I want my space back!!!
My room is rather large and used to be the attic. It's mine. I love having my room and my personal space. But lately the kids have been coming up here and laying in my bed, watching TV, annoying each other, whatever it is that kids should be doing somewhere other than in my room. I just about went off on the second kid and his friends last night. OK. Let me change that. I did go off. I walked into my room to find that my whole bed has been moved away from the wall and is in the middle of the room. This happened one other time previously, with all of the same kids, and even the kids who are not my own children KNOW my room is off limits. That is just not in any way, shape, or form OK.
So there are some big changes coming around here. I have been tightening up on the discipline in general lately. I had slacked off over the past year due to all of the huge changes in their lives and mine. But easy-going mom is gone. I will still be nice mom. Loving mom. Silly mom. but there will be rules and they will be enforced. I have reached my limits with this. So I have come up with a list of rules in my head. I am going to print them up and post them on the fridge, right next to the chore list that will also be created this week. I am not so unreasonable as to expect them to just intuitively know the rules.
Rule 1: No going in anyone's room without their permission. Especially mine. It is to be my own private sanctuary. There is no one, not even Chuck, who sleeps over here yet when the kids are here. But it is never too early to instill those boundaries. I would rather do it now so they don't feel that the rules have changed because of a guy in my life.
Rule 2: Pick up after yourself. I am not going to do it for you and I will not live in a pigsty. If you cannot pick up, you will lose privileges. It is not my job to follow four other people around and clean up, kind of like a human Roomba. Not my job.
Rule 3: I am not your personal servant. I do not mind assisting with things if I am asked politely. However, you are all capable of getting yourselves drinks, going to the bathroom on your own, and finding your own stuff. OK, maybe the youngest might still need some help with this occasionally. But not for much longer. I want independent, capable kids.
Rule 4: You will have a bedtime. The youngest will be in bed at 8. The next one at 8:30. The oldest ones at 10. The younger two may lay in bed quietly and read for 30 minutes before lights out. The older ones can be in their rooms and be quiet. I am not that concerned about when they turn their lights out, but we all need some private, quiet time.
Rule 5: You will do your chores. We all live here and we all need to help out.
Rule 6: You will do your homework when you get home from school. I am not going to be blindsided by the need for posterboard at 9pm. Enough said.
There just needs to be a sense of order again. School is starting. Work will be picking up. And we are all in serious need of a routine again. Rules are good.
Reality check. Oldest...fine with the new room. Second son, doesn't want to sleep in his yet. He insisted on having the only room on the first floor, but now gets nervous. He will get over it. third child, no problem. Youngest...big problem. Yes, he's territorial. BUT HE WON"T SLEEP THERE!!! Every single night, he ends up sneaking in with me. I didn't mind much at first. It's a big adjustment. But I am really getting tired of this. I want my space back!!!
My room is rather large and used to be the attic. It's mine. I love having my room and my personal space. But lately the kids have been coming up here and laying in my bed, watching TV, annoying each other, whatever it is that kids should be doing somewhere other than in my room. I just about went off on the second kid and his friends last night. OK. Let me change that. I did go off. I walked into my room to find that my whole bed has been moved away from the wall and is in the middle of the room. This happened one other time previously, with all of the same kids, and even the kids who are not my own children KNOW my room is off limits. That is just not in any way, shape, or form OK.
So there are some big changes coming around here. I have been tightening up on the discipline in general lately. I had slacked off over the past year due to all of the huge changes in their lives and mine. But easy-going mom is gone. I will still be nice mom. Loving mom. Silly mom. but there will be rules and they will be enforced. I have reached my limits with this. So I have come up with a list of rules in my head. I am going to print them up and post them on the fridge, right next to the chore list that will also be created this week. I am not so unreasonable as to expect them to just intuitively know the rules.
Rule 1: No going in anyone's room without their permission. Especially mine. It is to be my own private sanctuary. There is no one, not even Chuck, who sleeps over here yet when the kids are here. But it is never too early to instill those boundaries. I would rather do it now so they don't feel that the rules have changed because of a guy in my life.
Rule 2: Pick up after yourself. I am not going to do it for you and I will not live in a pigsty. If you cannot pick up, you will lose privileges. It is not my job to follow four other people around and clean up, kind of like a human Roomba. Not my job.
Rule 3: I am not your personal servant. I do not mind assisting with things if I am asked politely. However, you are all capable of getting yourselves drinks, going to the bathroom on your own, and finding your own stuff. OK, maybe the youngest might still need some help with this occasionally. But not for much longer. I want independent, capable kids.
Rule 4: You will have a bedtime. The youngest will be in bed at 8. The next one at 8:30. The oldest ones at 10. The younger two may lay in bed quietly and read for 30 minutes before lights out. The older ones can be in their rooms and be quiet. I am not that concerned about when they turn their lights out, but we all need some private, quiet time.
Rule 5: You will do your chores. We all live here and we all need to help out.
Rule 6: You will do your homework when you get home from school. I am not going to be blindsided by the need for posterboard at 9pm. Enough said.
There just needs to be a sense of order again. School is starting. Work will be picking up. And we are all in serious need of a routine again. Rules are good.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I feel like a martini
Shaken, not stirred.
Ok, my lame attempt at humor before finishing my second cup of much-needed coffee. I am awake and still have the shadow of the dream hanging over me. I am hoping that as the day goes on, the feelings it has brought on will clear out a bit.
This could be a hard week. The kids were supposed to be in another state this week with their dad, but because of football practice for one of the kids, he chose to only have the four for the weekend and try to just see them during the week for football practices. So there are going to be several times where I have to send them off this week. If I can't shake this feeling of dread, it's going to be a long, long week.
As for the martini reference, I am kind of amused after thinking about it. I know a lot of people, when upset, do have a drink to calm down. I don't normally. Maybe if I am minorly irritated. But if I am truly upset, that is the last thing I would want. Remnants of an alcoholic father. I am always afraid that if I start to have a drink to calm me down, I am going to go down that path, too. Not that I really believe that I would, but why take that chance. One of my own personal rules for myself. I am not opposed at all to having the occassional good beer or glass of wine if I am being social or if it is a hot day andit sounds good. Sometimes even 2 or 3. But not as a way to deal with problems. That is a line I will never feel right about crossing. So, for now, I will just have more coffee and work on moving on with the day.
Ok, my lame attempt at humor before finishing my second cup of much-needed coffee. I am awake and still have the shadow of the dream hanging over me. I am hoping that as the day goes on, the feelings it has brought on will clear out a bit.
This could be a hard week. The kids were supposed to be in another state this week with their dad, but because of football practice for one of the kids, he chose to only have the four for the weekend and try to just see them during the week for football practices. So there are going to be several times where I have to send them off this week. If I can't shake this feeling of dread, it's going to be a long, long week.
As for the martini reference, I am kind of amused after thinking about it. I know a lot of people, when upset, do have a drink to calm down. I don't normally. Maybe if I am minorly irritated. But if I am truly upset, that is the last thing I would want. Remnants of an alcoholic father. I am always afraid that if I start to have a drink to calm me down, I am going to go down that path, too. Not that I really believe that I would, but why take that chance. One of my own personal rules for myself. I am not opposed at all to having the occassional good beer or glass of wine if I am being social or if it is a hot day andit sounds good. Sometimes even 2 or 3. But not as a way to deal with problems. That is a line I will never feel right about crossing. So, for now, I will just have more coffee and work on moving on with the day.
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